New Beginnings
How beautiful to be in a constant state of new beginnings.
Did you forget?
Did you forget that you get to go through the chrysalis stage again and again and again over the course of your life?
To change from one state to another just like the butterfly, albeit maybe not as visibly obvious.
The caterpillar, when it is full-grown, unbecomes inside a cocoon of silk, this stage lasting from a few weeks, a month, or even longer.
So much like our own pupa stages where we withdraw, go inward, and unbecome.
Releasing those things that are no longer for us, no longer resonant, or supportive as we transition from the caterpillar into the butterfly.
As we transform we can be thankful for all the old parts of us, for they – just as the original larva cells provide energy for the growing adult butterfly – fuel and inform the new person that we are becoming.
As uncomfortable, and sometimes painful as an unbecoming can be, we can celebrate what this will bring and foster in our future.
Our transition can bring a new purpose, future, and possibilities.
Just as the caterpillar’s primary purpose changes from that of eating and growing, to mating and laying eggs as we change our purpose changes.
Long-term transformation happens when you’re able to use your experiences as a resource for wisdom.
Our growth and evolution prepare us to do and be more.
It prepares us to be in community, build relationships and plant our own seeds.
The seeds of knowledge that have been fostered, and grown when we were just caterpillars.
Now, though, we have wings.
When you have wings, you are meant to fly.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Love Cannot Rescue
If we are looking to other people, places, things, or experiences to bring us happiness, peace, joy, and love we will always end up disappointed and let down.
While all of these things, particularly our relationships with others, have great potential to enrich our lives in numerous ways, none of these things can ultimately offer fulfillment
We can only do that ourselves.
This was modeled for me in one of my earliest romantic relationships.
I watched a man say, “If only I was able to get rid of this car payment, I’d be happy.”
He worked hard to replace his high car payment with a lower one, but still found himself frustrated and unhappy.
Then he said, “if only I could get a different job, I’d be happy.”
I helped him draft cover letters and resumes, did mock interviews with him, and then celebrated as he got what seemed to be the job of a lifetime.
Only to still be unhappy.
When these things failed to bring him happiness, he looked to me.
“I’m not happy in our relationship,” he said, “if I was single, I’d be happy.”
So we broke up.
He still wasn’t happy a couple of months later when he contacted me and tried to arrange for us to have dinner together. He’d made a mistake, he said.
This experience created an awareness of those situations in which I and others start to look outside of ourselves for validation, love, and acceptance in order to feel happy, complete, and whole.
To be able to validate and love ourselves is key.
It’s ongoing work and often results in one sitting in discomfort, but in this space, we can explore what brings us joy, contentment, and fulfillment on a deeper level.
Once we can answer these questions for ourselves, we can realign our goals with our values and choose to live a life guided and informed by our inner compass.
We need to build our lives on our terms and find our own paths to contentment and peace.
As long as we rely on something external of us, we will always be off course of what will bring us happiness.
The same is true of the people around us.
When we find ourselves in relationships with people who are struggling with self-worth and self-love we cannot “fix” them.
We cannot pour more love, attention, compassion, and understanding into someone else and expect that to magically make another person feel complete and whole.
That is not our role.
We cannot fix other people, nor can we love someone into loving themself.
The love that we give to others should be a wonderful addition to the love that they already have for themself, but it cannot replace it.
Love cannot rescue.
There is no shortcut that one can take in order to avoid doing the inner work to find individual peace, joy, and contentment.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Breathe and Decide
There are some words that just capture the things that matter so well.
Like many things, media is a powerful tool that has the ability to give us a lens into ourselves… but it can also be used to manipulate and separate.
It’s easy for me to focus on the things that I hate about media… but then I remember the ultimate power of media comes from within and what we allow to hold space.
I don’t watch a ton of television anymore, but I remember being pulled into Grey’s Anatomy just like so many people and the character of Meredith is relatable in many ways.
She’s human.
She begs a man to love her, while also being a strong capable woman…
No woman wants to see herself in a situation in which she begs a man to love her, yet many of us find ourselves in just that position.
Because, ultimately, we do want to love and be loved. We want to be chosen.
Until we learn to adequately love and choose ourselves, we look for this validation from outside sources.
Once we learn to choose and love ourselves it doesn’t hurt quite as much when others choose not to.
Not to say it still doesn’t hurt, it does – but we recognize that we don’t WANT someone incapable of choosing us AND we know that not everyone can or will.
Since we do have this limited life experience, we do want to choose wisely what we do with the time that we have.
What kind of life do we want to live? Who do we want to love and be loved by? Are we the best version of ourselves that we can be?
Deciding can be hard… it means choosing a course of action… but as long as we FIRST choose ourselves our actions will be in tune with our flow state and with our heart’s resonance.
So, breathe in. Breathe out and decide.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
My Body, My Palace
I have been working on my relationship with my body, and a part of that requires looking at the messaging that I have received that has helped to form that relationship in order to systematically confront and dismantle what isn’t serving me.
Growing up young girls start receiving comments on their bodies and the pressure to look or to appear a certain way.
There was a time in our youth that we played with wild abandonment, not carrying if our belly had roles when we sat or about the hair that grew between our eyebrows.
Other people at some point made us feel that these things (and so many more) were wrong, unattractive, and needed to be fixed.
Instead of being people, we became objects to be viewed.
Not only to be perceived by others, but we also started to view ourselves through the perceptions of others…
trying to see what the people around us saw in order to ensure we were the most visually pleasing version of ourselves that we could be.
Instead of living and playing and being, we started perceiving.
This often translated into telling ourselves we would be happy and content with ourselves IF….
if we fit into a certain size of clothing.
if our breasts were less saggy.
if we had fewer wrinkles.
if our body was smooth and hairless.
if our stomachs were flat.
if our cellulite were gone.
if, if, if…
so we start buying products, clothes, and creams, get procedures, and stuck with needles in search of that place where we will finally be happy and satisfied.
Perfectly pleasing, beautiful, and desirable.
There is nothing in need of fixing, except perhaps the relationships we have with ourselves and the way in which we view and carry out the relationship with our bodies…
as the home of our soul…
the thing that makes you, you.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
It’s Not Fine, But It’ll Be Okay
It’s not fine, but it’ll be okay.
There was something so reassuring and affirming about hearing those words.
Countless times throughout the day we are asked how we are and many of us respond automatically with those simple two words,
“I’m fine.”
Or, how many times have we been treated in ways that are the opposite of fine, but when asked what’s wrong instead of an honest exchange we say,
“It’s fine.”
How many times is this your response when you are not fine, or it’s not fine?
And why are we not allowed to claim it?
What prevents us from really sharing how we are?
What we’re thinking?
Or how we feel?
I’ll never forget when I drove through a coffee drive-up window and the barista, with a big smile, leaned out the window and asked me how I was doing and I didn’t say I was fine.
I couldn’t say that I was fine.
Instead, I cried.
Then I told the cherub-faced barista with a smattering of freckles across her nose that I’d just learned that my boyfriend of three years had cheated on me… from his daughter.
It just spilled out, and as it did I instantly said that I was sorry and covered my mouth with my hands… my eyes wide in terror.
“I’m so sorry,” I reiterated, “I’m fine.”
Without missing a beat, this girl responded to me, “It’s not fine, but it’ll be okay,” then refused my payment for my coffee and said some other pleasantries that I do not remember.
I do remember, however, the power of those words.
It’s not fine, but it’ll be okay.
There are times when we are not fine.
When we are sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, let down, anxious, or scared.
There are times when people will do things that cross our personal boundaries
that result in feeling unwanted, unappreciated, undervalued, or dismissed.
It doesn’t have to be fine. As soon as we allow ourselves to not be okay, we can work towards the healing that needs to take place in order for it to become okay.
I recently had an appointment canceled on me with no warning.
My first impulse was to take care of the other person and to ensure that he didn’t feel bad for letting me down.
It wasn’t fine that I wasn’t treated in a way that honored my time and energy, however, by honestly talking about that it could become okay.
Apologies and reparations could have been made, but only if I am honest in claiming when it isn’t fine.
It’s not fine, but it’ll be okay.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
To Live
Let’s live.
So often we become robotic clock punchers.
Living our lives by routines and obligations.
All the things on our to-do lists become quiet bossy dictators of our time, and take over our minds with frantic worrying.
Let’s decide what we think.
Push the worries aside…
the pile of laundry or dishes that await, the paper that needs to be written, the grass that needs to be mowed…
whatever it is that is worrying decide, right now, to stop letting these things consume you.
Because you know what?
They’ll get done, and then you’ll have to start again.
These sorts of never-ending tasks, the never-ending ‘to-dos-, are not worthy of our worry.
They don’t deserve to take up that much space in our brains.
They don’t deserve to become a source of tension and argument within our relationships.
They don’t deserve to have our energy reserves and leave us fuming
Because it’ll all get done, and then we’ll have to start all over again.
So, for now, let’s live.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Mile Markers
We live lives full to the brim with various events and doings, but only a handful of them are mile markers.
Events that mark a significant period of time, events that veer us off course, and – if we were a house – these are the ones that gut us down to our studs leaving only the frame.
Thus giving us the opportunity to rebuild from scratch.
At the moment it always feels like an absolute shit-show, though.
We cling to the comfort of what is known, even if what is known isn’t good for us or is something that we’ve outgrown.
Change is deeply uncomfortable and, as a result, often comes at the impetus of a soul-shaking event.
Research has shown that major life events, that completely throw our usual lifestyle or routine out the window, can give us the best opportunity for making real, long-term changes in our behavior.
These are the mile markers.
Those life events which result in a dismantlement, so that we can be reinvented.
The unexpected breakup that forces us to get more deeply in touch with ourselves.
The job loss that invites us to look for other possibilities to provide for ourselves and our families.
The death that reminds us of the importance of investing in the people and relationships around us.
The accident or illness that revealed the strength and resolve within us.
These markers always served to bring me back to myself, or they tried.
I have been reinvented again and again by the significant periods that have washed over me and torn all the comforts away from me.
These are the times and moments that are my mile markers, because my life was on a predictable comfortable course – only to be redirected.
The markers signify a memory that often means so very much in the direction that my life took, the path that led me to not only where I am, but the person that I am.
I’ve been redirected, often forcibly, to explore the direction of my life and who I am.
At the moment I’ve often felt defeated, broken, lost, lonely, desperate, and hopeless.
Looking back, though, I can experience almost a fondness for the events which broke me so that I could be remade.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
My Gap-Toothed Smile
When I was little I had a gap in my two front teeth.
It was large enough to fit a nickel and a dime pressed together perfectly.
I know this because a friend handed me a nickel and asked if it would fit between my teeth. When it did easily she scoured her pockets for any more loose change and handed me both the nickel and a dime.
It fit, almost getting stuck. I had a brief moment of panic when I removed my fingers and the change stayed between my teeth.
Fortunately the change, after that brief moment of panic, fell out.
People noticed my gap and teased me about it.
I was called names to the point where I learned to hide my smile.
As soon as I was able to get braces to repair the gap, I did. I am now the proud owner of a gapless smile.
When I got older and saw a model in a magazine proudly and boldly displaying her gap-toothed smile that looked an awful lot like the smile I used to have I felt a tinge of sadness.
I had let factors outside of me tell me that there was something wrong with me that required fixing.
There were years when I was insecure about my smile and hid it behind my hand or closed lips.
So often the things that make us different or unique can also be a source of embarrassment.
I wish I’d had the confidence to own my smile with pride. I wish I had believed the one teacher who told me that my smile was beautiful.
Because it was.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Landmines
Relationships can be minefields.
As every one of us is a unique individual, it can be difficult to truly understand the people around us; their views can be so drastically different from our own as to be incomprehensible.
This isn’t necessarily wrong or bad, it’s just that we’re standing and looking a different way, seeing a different perspective based on our unique history and experiences.
Sometimes, people are further along the path and know what’s coming around the corner when you do not.
I met someone who I instantly felt that I knew, it was a deep sense of “Hi, I know you,” and yet we were strangers.
This was a gift to meet someone and feel that deep connection so effortlessly.
With time, though, I recognize why he felt so familiar and known to me.
I knew him because I used to be him.
There were so many ways we could understand one another because some of our darkest trauma and trauma wounds were identical.
We were, however, in different places in our journal towards healing.
You see, much of my trauma had resulted in me becoming a co-dependent people pleaser.
I felt deeply afraid and unworthy of love so I would do everything I could to prove my worthiness, to prove how good and great and special and unique I am.
The proving wasn’t only for those I was wooing, it was for me too.
I see that now in the rearview mirror, the ways I desperately clung to situations that didn’t serve me because I thought if I could earn the love and approval of someone else, then that would mean I was lovable.
So, I knew him because I used to be him.
I saw the ways he yeared and reached for affirmation and emotional regulation outside of himself because those used to be the same places that I looked for validation.
The insecurities that arose in questions and comments…
“Why are you dressed up, is there someone you’re trying to impress?”
“I saw a look between you and so and so that seemed meaningful, is something going on between the two of you?”
“You feel different, what’s going on? Do you still like me?”
“I don’t think anyone here likes me.”
“No one understands me.”
“You don’t understand me.”
But you see, I do understand you because I used to be you.
I used to look outside of myself for validation, and attach it to whether or not someone else decided to choose me.
If you don’t love yourself and feel wholly worthy as you are, this is the evidence.
These are the landmines you’re planting in your relationships.
The doubts, the questioning, the need for validation, and for someone else to be responsible for your emotional regulation.
I know, because I used to plant them and then be surprised when they would erupt in my face.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤️
The Pull of Self Abandonment
Recently I reflected on what happens when you step outside of your comfort zones to change, grow, and bloom into something new.
The external result of your internal changes may be to make others uncomfortable with the new and unfamiliar version of you.
There will be those that cannot continue on a mutual journey with this new you, as they do not have space for your growth. However, there will also be those that celebrate your evolutions and make space – rejoicing in getting to know each new incantation.
There have been times in my life where I have felt pulled or called to change, grow, and/or do something differently.
One of the ways in which I have grown the most is in my ability to release the urge to people please and to move away from codependent relationships.
For a great deal of my life instead of looking internally to see what would bring me the most peace, I looked to the people around me and evaluated what would cause the most discomfort for them and this is what informed my decisions.
Allowing external factors to influence and impact who I shaped myself to be, versus looking inward at what brought me the most peace, resulted in me losing myself.
I put on the costume of who others expected me to be and strove to please and be loved by others by the things I put on, instead of working towards loving myself and finding what brought me peace and joy.
People pleasing and working to earn the love and approval of others was something that I had to let go of.
Instead, I recognize that I am worthy of love just by being.
Not long ago I found myself in a relationship with a beautiful, but incredibly insecure man.
I felt these insecurities like weights on my being.
The time I was going to work and he asked me why I was dressing as if I was single or when he asked if there was something going on between me and my best friend’s boyfriend because I had touched his arm in the midst of a conversation.
Both situations had me questioning who I was and how I was presenting myself in order to be perceived in such a way by someone that I cared about.
I felt myself leaning towards changing myself in order to make him more comfortable and to not provoke his triggers or insecurities.
As I felt this pull to change and alter myself for another, I recognized that this did not feel natural for me.
There was nothing wrong with the way that I dressed or the way in which I interacted with the significant others of my friends.
Abandoning myself and choosing something outside of myself would only result in misalignment within me, even if it may make someone else happier or more comfortable with me.
The more instances of insecurity that popped up over the course of our relationship the more I felt the danger of abandoning myself for my ex and his comfort, of doing something just to make him happy, the more clear it became that this wasn’t a healthy relationship for either of us.
There was a moment when I recognized that the old version of me would have been perfect for this man, as she would have changed her clothes and avoided her friends in order to ensure that her partner felt loved.
Now I recognize that this isn’t love, it’s self abandonment and – while I could very well have made someone more comfortable for the short term – I would have lost myself in attempting to be the perfect version of myself that I thought he wanted.
If that’s love, it’s not the kind of love that I desire.
I want the kind that invites me to be myself and celebrates in the birth of each new authentic version of me.
A love that is not threatened by any part of me, but is able to admire and appreciate.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Always, Your Trusted Friend
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