A Lesson, Not a Soul Mate

The Hard Work

Pain requires healing, friend.

We will be broken, hurt, disappointed, and abandoned… and, friend, this isn’t a terrible fate. This may sound confusing to you. Why would suffering be good, you wonder?

Why? Because it shows us who we are, friend. This mirror is what allows us to take a good long look at ourselves and decide if we’re happy with the reflection that we see and to evaluate what needs work.

This isn’t easy. I won’t lie to you and sugarcoat it and pretend like it is. It’s hard to look at ourselves like this. However, it’s necessary for growth. It’s needed to elevate ourselves to the next level – beyond the current hurts.

So, friend, take a good, long, hard look. Take it in. Don’t make excuses for the mistakes you’ve made, or the ways in which you’ve let yourself and others down. We all play a role. What was yours?

You see, if we don’t face these things and take the necessary time to heal them, they tend to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune time. Don’t distract yourself from the hurt and pain, don’t try to cover it up and bury it deep, for it won’t go away and, eventually, it will force you to address it… often times in the ugliest of ways.

Maybe your heart was broken by an infidelity. This left you feeling insecure, inadequate, alone, and unworthy. Friend. I have been in this place. Looking at a relationship broken by someone else’s dishonesty and wondering all the wrong things.

What is wrong with me?

What did I do to deserve this?

What about me is so unlovable?

There is nothing wrong with me. Do you know something else? There is nothing wrong with you. I hope you see the lies of those thoughts… but if you don’t take the time to address them… to look at the doubts and insecurities, pack them up and send them on their way… they will NOT go away on their own.

You can cover them up by amassing attention from new men, convincing yourself of your appeal because of the attention heaped onto you by others. Perhaps you dive into work. Making yourself invaluable and letting this become what your self-worth is built upon.

But these are just camouflage. Outside efforts to cover up the hurt that you suffered. You need address these things and build your self-worth upon the realities of who you are innately… without your accomplishments and the attentions of others… for these things, too, can be taken away.

You are miraculous.

You are magical.

You are powerful and unique and beautiful.

Friend, believe these things about yourself. There is nothing you have to do to earn this or to deserve this. You don’t need anyone else to like you, believe in you, or to need you for these things to be true.

They just are.

Always,

Your trusted friend ♥

I’m Here

Recently I went through a heartbreak. It was easy to feel sad and to want to cocoon myself within it, feeling that it was unending. The waves of grief in the initial onset of any type of hurt feel insurmountable and as though it is never going to end. It’s so hard to see through to the other side.

This is what our friends are for. We need to have a tribe around us. A few solid people that we can bare our souls, reveal all of our secrets and hurts to, knowing that we won’t be judged. Only supported.

Know, always friend, that I support you. However, I want to encourage you to reach out to the people around you in an attempt to build solid foundational relationships. I cannot stress to you enough how vital this is. There will be hurt and sadness, pain and grief, disappointment and disillusionment. It’s inevitable. These are the things that break us down and reveal to us just how strong we really are. However, to survive these difficult moments we need people to lean on.

The above has been my message to my closest confidantes.

“I feel sad.”

There was freedom in expressing this reality, friend. I need people that I can be real with. A place that I can remove all the pretense and just be. I encourage you, friend, to find these people. My person told me that I am a Phoenix. That I may feel the burning pain of disappointment and loss, but that I will rise from the ashes of heartbreak an even more beautiful soul; confident and full of hope at the limitless possibilities of the future in store for me.

We need these people who remind us of who we are and what the reality is outside of our pain. It is okay to be sad and to hurt. Feel all the feels. Lean into it and learn all the lessons. Rely on the people around you for strength, and find your way out to the otherside.

Friend, I will be there to hold your hand and raise the mirror to remind you of your potential.

Always,

Your trusted friend ♥

Mediocrity

The acceptance of mediocrity, a befuddling reality

Oh, Friend, I’m frustrated with you. I’ve been watching you for awhile now, wondering if I should take the time to say something or not. However, I care about you and don’t want to see you accept just being okay. You were made for bigger and better things than what you are currently settling for. Friend, you are only putting forth the scarcest of efforts. I want to see you work hard and put a concerted effort towards the things that you do!

Excellence is what I expect from you. It is unclear to me when it became acceptable to commend mediocrity, or give accolades to people who refuse to live up to their full potential. I won’t do it because I care about you, friend, and as soon as the expectation is raised to only settle for greatness you will — I believe — rise to that challenge to be the best version of yourself. This is our responsibility to one another you see, to always be honing and bettering ourselves, and helping others to do the same.

Don’t make excuses for not doing, or being, your best. This by no means places an expectation on you to be perfect, for that is an unrealistic expectation. Merely strive to be the best of who you are, fully and completely. This doesn’t mean that there will not be times that you fall short, or fail. However, I am tired of watching you not even make an honest attempt, but merely flap you arms about in a half-hearted ‘effort’.

Perhaps, the idea of failure is so scary, that it has caused paralysis and prevented this honest effort. For, if there is a lack of effort we can save face in the knowledge that we weren’t really trying, our pride will remain intact. I can certainly think of times where fear paralyzed me from taking risks or led me to fall into what was considered ‘safe’ and ‘comfortable’. However, this is when an extra push should be expected. Don’t commend my failure due to fear, please – friend – encourage me of what it is possible for me to do. Can we do this for one another?

No one should be satisfied with being so-so, with just living an existence and not a life of experiences. Every day we are surrounded by people who live their lives going through the motions, sleep walking, and missing out on the experiences that make our lives meaningful. I would hope that when my head starts to bob dangerously towards sleeping awake that you will shake me back to reality and the life that I should be leading.

Let’s not just aimlessly drift through the world. We were meant to be more than zombies, more than clock punchers and window gazers. We are meant to live a life punctuated by memories and shared experiences. Friend, let’s push and pull and stretch one another into, not only the best version of ourselves, but the version of ourselves that we never thought we could be.

Always,

Your Trusted Friend ♥

The Break-up

Stop looking for the love of your life, love your life and the right person will appear. – Anonymous

It’s nice to speak with you again, friend. I’ve heard that you’re having a difficult time nursing a broken heart. It pained me to hear this news, mostly because I know the thoughts that are most likely running through your head right now. You’re questioning who you are and thinking that something must be wrong with you, or perhaps that you have done something in order to lose someone that you love. I wish that I could remove all of these negative thoughts and self doubts from you, but I know that you have to work though that on your own. For now I will offer you words to replace the nasty ones, and I will extend you my kindness and my love, and hope that it is enough to sustain you until you’ve navigated through this pain.

As alone as you feel right now, please know that you’re not. Also, as difficult as this will be to conceptualize now, know that this pain is temporary. Right now it feels as though the pain of heart break is drowning you. You may even wonder how it is you are supposed to get yourself out of bed. Maybe all you want to do is cry while you nurse your sorrow with a pint of ice cream.

I’ve been there. Believe me. As I write these words to you, I am also nursing a broken heart. After three years of dating, I discovered that the man I was in love with had cheated on me with a beautiful much younger woman. In the moment of discovery I felt every hope, aspiration, and dream that I had for our future die. It is difficult to let go of fantasies we have for the future. As much as I wanted to cling to those things, I had to let them go or drown in grief.

You see, friend. I’ve been here before. Not this exact place, mind you, but fairly close. My heart has been broken by lies, infidelity, disappointments, and dishonesty. I’ve navigated all of these things before, so I know that as much as I hurt right now that I will be okay. There us nothing that I did that caused these things… the lies, infidelity, and let-downs were the decisions and inadequacy of someone else. They were not mine. We will not accept responsibility for the faults of another.

For now, friend, we must put all that love we gave away and redirect it to our healing. We must have faith that all things will work out as they are meant to. Mere months from now we will, I guarantee you, be able to look back and be thankful for the pain we feel now – for it will transform us and take us someone new and wonderful that we couldn’t imagine when we were trapped in fantasies.

Now. Get up. Get dressed. Put your makeup on and do your hair. Do the things that make you feel ‘normal’. Live your life and face the world looking for the promises it offers that better things are coming. Today my promise was a rainbow, and it made me think of you.

Always,

Your Trusted Friend ♥