The Owner's Manual
There is so much power in establishing and maintaining boundaries.
As a caretaker and someone who strives to see other’s perspectives I have allowed my boundaries to be crossed, erased, adjusted, and manipulated.
Being a nice, compassionate person it often felt difficult to maintain my boundaries.
Why, friend?
It’s simple, really.
I want to give the benefit of the doubt, see the good in people and, honestly, I want to give the second chance.
You see, if you cross one of my boundaries, I can often understand why you behaved the way that you did.
I get what external factors affected your inability to respect my boundaries… and so, I’ve made exceptions.
Hence, I’ve permitted my boundaries to be crossed, erased, adjusted, and manipulated.
I’ve given a pass to the jackass.
However, this didn’t honor me.
Perhaps for some boundaries are so hard to maintain, because it can be difficult to say no.
We don’t want to disappoint, let down, or anger.
We also want to believe that others have our best interests in mind.
However, this isn’t always the case and it should be our first priority to set and maintain our boundaries.
Good boundaries show others how to treat us.
They give those around us, essentially, the owner’s manual for how to treat us in all circumstances.
How do you interact in an argument? What’s permissible treatment?
This is a boundary that you have to draw and establish.
Are you a person that when angry or frustrated needs others to step away from you, give you space to collect your emotions and thoughts?
Or do you need to talk it out, reach a point of conciliation, hug it out?
What happens if you are interacting with someone with a different way of reconciliation?
Say it.
Talk about it.
Create your rules and boundaries for engagement.
If you’re single, how do you date, and what are you looking for in a partner?
Are you stuck in dating drudgery looking for a long term committed relationship?
Or are you looking to meet and connect with multiple people, still exploring what it is you really want?
Again, what happens when two people meet who have opposing views on what they are looking for?
Say it.
Talk about it.
Create your rules and boundaries so you only give space to what is right for you.
How much space do you need to devote to yourself to remain healthy and happy?
Is it important for you to have space in your schedule for ‘me’ time?
Or are you someone who needs constant stimulation and interaction from others.
What do you do when two people have different expectations of time commitments?
Say it.
Talk about it.
Protect the time and space requirements you have for yourself, while also honoring those around you that you care about.
The more you speak your boundaries and requirements out loud, the more space you create for those around you to treat you as you need – and deserve – to be treated.
The better you do this, the more you are able to find and create the nurturing relationships that serve you.
Being nice to others is important, but it should never be to the detriment of yourself.
You can see and understand why others have an inability to respect your boundaries, but you can also respect yourself, and you are allowed to walk away from those people who have an inability to respect your boundaries –
EVEN if you understand their why.
You, my friend, are allowed to take up space.
You can show people your owner’s manual.
The right people will be thankful for the directions.
Always,
You’re Trusted Friend ❤
To Be Chosen
From very young we all have the desire to be seen and chosen, to be accepted and loved.
Initially we may not have had as many fears regarding our likability; as I remember being boldly able to go up to another child my age on the playground asking, “Wanna be my friend and play?”
I didn’t wait for someone to approach or choose me, I went fearlessly forward. I wanted a friend, someone to play with, to talk to, and to share my secrets with. I never anticipated at that age that I could possibly receive a no.
The first time I really remember having the fear of NOT being chosen, liked, or accepted was when team captains were selected for dodge ball in PE. Each subsequent selection where we waited, anxiously, to see if our name would or would not be called.
This desire to be chosen doesn’t dim as we get older, yet it does get exceedingly more difficult to make ourselves vulnerable and to ask for this need to be met, as we have experienced the pain of rejection.
We’ve asked and someone has said no.
We’ve shown up and someone has not liked what they’ve seen.
We’ve opened up and watched someone grimace at what we’ve revealed.
We’ve shared a desire and been laughed at or mocked.
Yet, we still want that same thing. We still want to be chosen.
To have someone who loves us as we are, has seen the flaws and weaknesses, and wants us because these nuances are part of what make us beautiful and wonderful and delightful.
To truly have someone see all the parts that make us uniquely us. To take the time to peal back the layers and say yes.
Yes, I see you, all of you, I see the parts you try to hide away in dark corners, the supposed flaws and idiosyncrasies.
To hear:
I see the way you get grumpy when you’re tired or hungry, and that it’s a lethal combination when both of these things occur at once.
I see how you take on too much, having a hard time saying no, because you feel that you need to do it all.
I see how your deep desire to be liked drives you to ensure that you earn the respect and appreciation from those that surround you.
I see these things, and more, and I choose you.
To have someone who we can relax with.
Let our bellies hang out with.
Pick our noses with.
Snort laugh with.
Cry with.
Scream with.
A safe place to belong, home in a person.
So often, though, we fear the closeness that would result in this kind of love and acceptance.
Holding back our hearts because we are frightened of being too vulnerable, of risking damage to that precious part of us.
As delightful as this image is, this unfaltering support of another, it is even more essential that we offer this kind of grace, acceptance, and love for ourselves.
To not fear viewing and taking stock of who we are, and finding that person acceptable and pleasing.
For once we choose ourselves, we can then more freely give the genuine version of ourselves to others in order to truly have the opportunity to be embraced.
Though, friend, be warned not everyone will like what they see, and that’s okay.
When the genuine version of you is chosen it will mean so much more, for there was nothing you had to hide and no pretending that took place.
For now, though, know that I choose you.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤
Held Hostage
So often, friend, we are our own biggest enemy.
We hold ourselves hostage in so many areas of our lives.
Locking ourselves away in mental prisons.
Prisons erected within our own minds, carefully built stone by stone from the wreckage of failures of our past, the heavy stones of overwhelming anxiety that comes from things we cannot change, and mortar of debilitation caused by the unknown.
The past can have a powerful hold.
Poor choices, disappointments, failures. These things can take root in our mind and spread like a disease causing suffocating paralysis.
We become stuck. Rooted in the whirlwind of self hatred and doubt that often accompanies the disabling disappointment of realizing we are not who we said we were.
We are not who we thought we were.
As long as you allow the past to have hold on you, you will be a prisoner of that past.
Held hostage in our own thoughts.
Terrorized by our own self hatred.
I know what this feels like, as I’ve drank this cool aid, punishing myself and trapped by a past that I refused to let go.
Beating myself up over decisions made that I felt I should have known better than.
A prisoner.
We can also be held hostage by things we cannot change.
Perhaps we come from a background and history of poverty, and we let this dictate to us what we can do and be. Thinking that because this is where we came from, this is what we are meant for.
Or, maybe there has been abuse, sexual assault, or victimization in some fashion. This, again, is not something we can change and these are the types of experiences that will always be with us.
We can be held prisoner, enveloped in despair and hopelessness, shrouded in despair.
Crippled by people, events, and situations that we are powerless to change, unable to undo, rectify, or ‘fix’.
Situations that just, for lack of a better word, are.
So maybe we go round and round in our heads, thinking all of the what-ifs.
Dismantling and reassembling what could have been.
This I also know.
I know what it feels like to blame myself for a circumstance that I was powerless within, and to let that guilt worm its way into my thoughts, ruminating on a situation that was not within my power to change.
A prisoner.
Unknown situations can also be debilitating.
For this reason, many of us refuse to change. Trapped in our current situations merely because they are known and familiar.
Comfortable only because of familiarity.
Our mind becoming a battlefield of pondering and imagining as we try to envision the outcome, the next step, the finish line.
Refusing to act because of sheer uncertainty and our inability to measure and calculate the final result.
What will happen if I am vulnerable and reveal my heart to someone?
How will my boss react if I ask for a raise, a promotion, a new assignment?
What if I strike out on my own in a business venture?
How will people respond if I share my words? My voice? My thoughts?
Round and round we go, questioning and anticipating the what-ifs, yet stuck in inaction because we’re too afraid of rejection, disappointment, failure, and the unknown outcome.
Mired to our chests, deep in the known.
Trapped and stuck.
This place I know well, friend.
So often have I bit my tongue, held back my voice, restricted my heart, and limited vulnerability for fear of the unknown quotient.
My inability to know, for sure, how I would be received or understood.
A prisoner.
Release it all, friend.
Learn the lessons the past offers you, and move forward.
Step into the power that only failure can give you.
Accept that there will always be situations that you are powerless to change.
Step into the knowledge that comes from the places you have been, the things you have seen, the people you have known.
Open yourself to what the unknown can give to you, and the surprises waiting there.
Step into vulnerability and take risks that can’t be calculated or measured.
Release yourself from the prison you’ve erected.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤
Intentions
How beautiful living an intentional life can be, friend, and this seems an opportune time to think about the intentions we set and hold to in our lives as we approach the ending of one year, and the start of another.
Our lives are full of endings and beginnings, aren’t they?
Both being points in which we can pause to reflect and to set goals and intentions.
There is a difference, I think, between living intentionally versus being goal oriented.
Goal oriented sets you on one path, to accomplish, to reach, to grasp one thing.
A promotion at work, a set amount in your savings account, a number of miles to run by weeks end.
These things, in and of themselves, are not bad. Goals are wonderful things to set, to aim and strive for, and – even better – to accomplish.
What is dangerous is the worth and importance that we can often place on these accomplishments.
Even worse, the failure we can feel when these things don’t come to fruition.
Intentions, instead, provide you forward momentum while also allowing the flexibility and acceptance of other things to come that are unplanned or unexpected.
Those wondrous surprises that you could not, or would not, have planned for yourself.
Living with intention gives your life guiding principles in HOW you want to live in each moment, and HOW you plan to exist within the world and the life you occupy in the present.
There have been many times in life that I have failed to reach a goal that I’ve set for myself, additionally, there have been times I’ve felt a failure as a result of this.
It has only been later, as other things in my life fell into place, that I was able to recognize the benefit of some goals I’d set not working as I’d planned… because, friend, there was something else intended for me.
I’d have suffered much less disappoint if, instead of focusing on the end result, I’d enabled myself to enjoy the journey and take note of the experiences along the way.
Living in the enjoyment of each step taken, versus only the realization of the end of a journey, to me is the epitome of goal setting and intentionally living functioning in tandem.
So, while we strive to go on more adventures, save money, lose weight, be better parents, better spouses, more confident, get a raise, receive a promotion, write a book… whatever that external goal is… let’s also commit to showing up and being present.
Let’s be intentional in all the moments, being sure to focus on who we are and how we’re showing up, from the starting point to the finish line.
And, if we veer off coarse, and miss the mark we’re striving for, let’s be sure that we showed up in a way that we can still allow and permit ourselves to celebrate.
Ultimately, friend, what matters is that each of us can look in the mirror and like who we are. This doesn’t occur because of all the external things we accomplish.
The check marks we cross off, the mile stones we reach, or the finish lines we cross.
These things can provide points of pride, but don’t give self worth. Self worth is cultivated from within.
It’s who we are throughout the journey, and the person we’ll find at the end.
So, set the intention for who you want to be, how you want to show up, as you also determine what goals you want to crush.
But if you don’t, know that you are never a failure if you can look at yourself and be proud of the person you were along the way and all the places you visited both within and outside of yourself.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤
Victim or Survivor
Friend, we will all face hard times. Trials that come out of seemingly no where, knock us off of our course and flat onto our backs. The wind knocked out of us, rendered senseless.
It has often struck me how there are two responses to the shit storms of life.
One will either become a victim, or a survivor.
The victim sees life’s struggles as baggage that weighs them down. They get overwhelmed and downtrodden, using the experience as a reason why they are stuck, why they can’t do or pursue what it is that they desire. Why they settle for less.
The survivor, however, sees struggles as strength, as something that hones, prepares, and drives them. This experience becomes a motivating source to aspire for and do more. They see this as a driving power to pursue what they desire. To do and become more.
There are so many times when I can recall coming to a crossroad due to unforeseeable events.
Some of them small moments, like being cut from the Varsity softball team as a junior to the shock of my teammates and myself.
And others serve as road markers. Meaning, these are times that irrevocably changed me. Ones in which there was a very clear version of who I was before and who I transformed into, such as my husband of three years leaving me unexpectedly.
In these moments you have to decide.
Are you a victim of circumstances,
or are you a survivor by the sheer force of your will?
After being cut from the softball team I could have quit, complained, cried, and raised a holy ruckus.
I was disappointed and heart hurt, but this didn’t stop me from competing.
Instead, I made it my intention to do my very best and to daily show my coach that he had made a mistake. I played my heart out on the junior varsity team that year, which ended up being the superior team. I won’t take credit. It was a team that meshed well and had fun, which made all the difference.
When my husband left I had similar choices, and I almost let the grief swallow me whole,
But I didn’t.
That was a trying time. Not only did my husband leave, but shortly after I found that where I was living had been rented to new tenants, and I was laid off of my first teaching job due to a levy failure.
I was abruptly divorced, homeless, and unemployed.
This was a time in which I felt like a failure and questioned if I had the energy to start over again, mostly because of wounded pride.
The idea of facing others, people that I loved and respected, and telling them where I was at in my life terrified me.
Fear is a determining factor in why so many people quit, don’t push through, don’t start over when they’ve reached a dead end.
I know, friend, I’ve been at the dead end… more times then I can count.
These times have served to reveal to me who I am, not from the fall to the bottom, but from my persistence as I struggled to create a new path.
Failure, struggle, hurt, angst are all necessary components of life.
It is these hard moments, not the easy ones, that show us who we are and push us to become more.
Our ability to persist and grow is what provides a sense of self confidence and buoys us through all future problems we will face.
In each of these moments we decide how we will carry these burdens and if we become a victim or a survivor.
I hope, friend, you choose to survive.
On the other side of pain is always a brand new you.
I’d love to introduce you.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend. ❤
The One that Got Away
Friend, have you ever sat and wondered why something didn’t work, slipped from your grip, and got away?
Perhaps a lover who left before you were ready to let go,
or a job prospect that seemed an ideal fit, but went to another candidate?
There could be numerous things that you question the why of, the ‘what if’.
Why didn’t he love me?
Why didn’t they choose me?
Why didn’t that work out?
I am a firm believe that, ultimately, if it’s right – it happens.
Nothing meant for you will get away.
Yet, we try to force a lot of situations that just are not ours to keep.
At least, I’m guilty of this.
In these situations I remind myself that what is mine will come, sometimes I just need to wait … even if the waiting is hard.
In the process what is necessary is to learn from the people, things, and experiences that come and go – for in everything there is a lesson to be learned.
Tyler Perry as Madea voices this idea perfectly when he says that, “Some people come into your life for a lifetime, and some come for a season. You got to know which is which. And you’re gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations … that was a person who was supposed to come and teach [you] one thing.”
This idea that there is something that slipped through your fingers is hopeful fantasy, and negates what you have within your grasp right now –
or places doubt on your future potential and what is already on its way to you.
Dwelling on what could have been has the danger of holding you back from accepting what is unfolding in your life right now because, as Jen Kim says in her article Is the ‘One that Got Away’ Real?;
“They are a lovely curse, forever trapped by our nostalgia.”
How true is that, friend, that allowing ourselves to be stuck on what was is a curse that is often viewed through rose colored glasses?
The truth is, for whatever reason; timing, distance, experience, where you are in your life … some things just don’t work, and that is okay.
Most thing that come into our lives are just visiting for a season, and in that season we are meant to experience or learn something,
or perhaps we are meant to be in a holding pattern for just a little while longer until we are ready for what is meant for us.
This does not mean that these interludes do not having meaning, for they do, and that meaning is in the lesson, the preparation that is happening until, finally, everything clicks and we find ourselves exactly where we were meant to be
and we understand why that lover left, that the job didn’t pan out, and on and on…
because when it’s right, and you’ll know it when it is, it happens.
So, until then, as Madea says, “Let. Them. Go.”
The Lover. The Job. The What if.
What is meant to stay, will stay.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤
The Giver and the Caretaker
Friend, there are those people who are always looking out for others – taking care of the needs, wants, and desires of those around them.
These are the people that when you make it to the gas station on fumes and empty pockets, meet you there, no questions asked, and fill your tank.
They see you struggling through a difficult day and write you a personalized note to encourage and remind you of how wonderful they believe you to be.
When you are sick and in bed these are the ones who show up in a flu mask and freshly sanitized hands to drop off soup, orange juice, and medicine.
These are the people that we rely and count on and, often, take for granted until they are not there.
We don’t pay attention or notice these – seemingly – unimportant niceties…
the clean folded laundry, food in the fridge, bills paid, cars cleaned, and gas in our gas tanks…
until we have to do them all on our own, until the caretaker and giver in our life is tired, overwhelmed, and done.
This is something I speak about from experience. I have been this person. The person that gives until I have nothing left to give. The person that focuses on taking care of those around me.
Often I have done this out of a sense of responsibility. If I don’t do it, then who will?
I have also done this out of deep sense of need. I have needed someone to do and be this for me and, instead of asking, I’ve had the false belief that the only way to receive was to give.
And so I’ve given. I’ve given everything until I’ve had nothing.
So many of us see our responsibility to be both a giver and a caretaker to and for those around us.
We take on the extra burdens at both work and at home, often putting our own needs and wants last.
People like us are caretakers and givers because of the level of empathy we are able to have for others, because we are typically easy going and relaxed, and – often – we really enjoy giving to those around us.
Put simple, we care. We care A LOT.
The danger?
I don’t know about you, but this aspect about me has attracted and been drawn to all the wrong people. I’ve been drawn to those, and those have been drawn to me, who NEED help yet have very little capacity to give in return.
Because of this part of me, I’ve put up with a lot in my interpersonal relationships and it has left me exhausted… annnnd guilty.
I’ve felt guilty when I’ve reached the point I can’t give anymore. I’ve felt guilty when I’ve needed something in return. I’ve felt guilty when I’ve had to say no.
I’ve felt guilty because all of these made me think and feel that I was selfish.
Friend, if you have found yourself in this situation at all. I see you, and I understand you.
Just like most things in life, sometimes the best parts of us can also be the worst.
My ability and willingness to give allows me to connect, appreciate, understand, and help those around me.
It has also resulted in me being taken for granted, taken advantage of, and left depleted.
The solution for me, my friend, has been to surround myself with good, quality people. People who care as much as I do.
Additionally, I’ve learned to say no when I need to and, instead, focus on myself in order to not give until I’m at the point of breakdown.
Finally, I’ve come to understand the importance of boundaries and speaking up for my own needs and wants – something initially very difficult for me to do.
A big heart is one of the most beautiful and wonderful things in the world – but there is no need to place ourselves last, to feel guilty when we can’t give, or to avoid saying no.
Caretakers need caretaking as well.
Givers can also receive.
Reciprocity in life is an okay expectation to have.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤
About Me
