Someone recently asked me about a past experience, one that for a long time I had carried a great deal of shame about, one in which I often sat in judgment.
I thought that I should have done something differently or known better.
It struck me that to sit in shame or judgment robs me of appreciating the person that the wounds grew me into.
For it is often our darkest moments that remove the layers of programming and expectation and reveal to us who we are and what we want.
It is when we sit in the discomfort and take the close look through the cracks at what lies within that shows us where we need to make the space for growth.
Just as a flower to reach its full potential requires fertilizer in order to bloom, so do we.
We need the shit.
Not to wallow in it or regret it, but to take the nutrients necessary in order to become unmade.
To burst through the seed state and grow into what we are meant to be.
The first thing a seed has to do is burst open, then it needs to take root in order for it to grow and bloom.
But, first, it requires some shit.
A flower doesn’t judge itself for this, nor should we.
But instead, celebrate the opportunity to bloom.
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Our hearts, our energy, and our time are valuable commodities. We need to be particular about those people who we let share space in these golden spaces because the people that we invite in become a part of us.
When we invite people who are unwilling to meet us equally, we diminish our own worth. We settle. We allow breadcrumbs to be enough.
Friend, do not go all the way in with someone who is only willing to go part way.
There may be times when it might be easy or alluring to settle for bread crumbs, as at least we have something… someone. It’s easy to put aside what we desire, want, and need when there is uncertainty regarding its attainability.
However, friend, if we do settle, we give a part of ourselves away. We allow the deepest parts of ourselves to be viewed and observed by someone who isn’t able to fully appreciate the magnificence of the view.
By doing so, we only serve to injure ourselves. Settling for mediocrity isn’t worth the pain when all we need to do is wait.
Wait for someone who will go all the way with you, and for you. You deserve nothing less than that.
Keep opening your heart, don’t fear taking risks, and continue feeling…
but, friend, be ready to say no to maybes, to indecision, to anyone only coming part way, and to anything that is less than a hell yes.
Your Trusted Friend ❤
We live lives full to the brim with various events and doings, but only a handful of them are mile markers.
Events that mark a significant period of time, events that veer us off course, and – if we were a house – these are the ones that gut us down to our studs leaving only the frame.
Thus giving us the opportunity to rebuild from scratch.
At the moment it always feels like an absolute shit-show, though.
We cling to the comfort of what is known, even if what is known isn’t good for us or is something that we’ve outgrown.
Change is deeply uncomfortable and, as a result, often comes at the impetus of a soul-shaking event.
Research has shown that major life events, that completely throw our usual lifestyle or routine out the window, can give us the best opportunity for making real, long-term changes in our behavior.
These are the mile markers.
Those life events which result in a dismantlement, so that we can be reinvented.
The unexpected breakup that forces us to get more deeply in touch with ourselves.
The job loss that invites us to look for other possibilities to provide for ourselves and our families.
The death that reminds us of the importance of investing in the people and relationships around us.
The accident or illness that revealed the strength and resolve within us.
These markers always served to bring me back to myself, or they tried.
I have been reinvented again and again by the significant periods that have washed over me and torn all the comforts away from me.
These are the times and moments that are my mile markers, because my life was on a predictable comfortable course – only to be redirected.
The markers signify a memory that often means so very much in the direction that my life took, the path that led me to not only where I am, but the person that I am.
I’ve been redirected, often forcibly, to explore the direction of my life and who I am.
At the moment I’ve often felt defeated, broken, lost, lonely, desperate, and hopeless.
Looking back, though, I can experience almost a fondness for the events which broke me so that I could be remade.
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
When I was little I had a gap in my two front teeth.
It was large enough to fit a nickel and a dime pressed together perfectly.
I know this because a friend handed me a nickel and asked if it would fit between my teeth. When it did easily she scoured her pockets for any more loose change and handed me both the nickel and a dime.
It fit, almost getting stuck. I had a brief moment of panic when I removed my fingers and the change stayed between my teeth.
Fortunately the change, after that brief moment of panic, fell out.
People noticed my gap and teased me about it.
I was called names to the point where I learned to hide my smile.
As soon as I was able to get braces to repair the gap, I did. I am now the proud owner of a gapless smile.
When I got older and saw a model in a magazine proudly and boldly displaying her gap-toothed smile that looked an awful lot like the smile I used to have I felt a tinge of sadness.
I had let factors outside of me tell me that there was something wrong with me that required fixing.
There were years when I was insecure about my smile and hid it behind my hand or closed lips.
So often the things that make us different or unique can also be a source of embarrassment.
I wish I’d had the confidence to own my smile with pride. I wish I had believed the one teacher who told me that my smile was beautiful.
Because it was.
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Relationships can be minefields.
As every one of us is a unique individual, it can be difficult to truly understand the people around us; their views can be so drastically different from our own as to be incomprehensible.
This isn’t necessarily wrong or bad, it’s just that we’re standing and looking a different way, seeing a different perspective based on our unique history and experiences.
Sometimes, people are further along the path and know what’s coming around the corner when you do not.
I met someone who I instantly felt that I knew, it was a deep sense of “Hi, I know you,” and yet we were strangers.
This was a gift to meet someone and feel that deep connection so effortlessly.
With time, though, I recognize why he felt so familiar and known to me.
I knew him because I used to be him.
There were so many ways we could understand one another because some of our darkest trauma and trauma wounds were identical.
We were, however, in different places in our journal towards healing.
You see, much of my trauma had resulted in me becoming a co-dependent people pleaser.
I felt deeply afraid and unworthy of love so I would do everything I could to prove my worthiness, to prove how good and great and special and unique I am.
The proving wasn’t only for those I was wooing, it was for me too.
I see that now in the rearview mirror, the ways I desperately clung to situations that didn’t serve me because I thought if I could earn the love and approval of someone else, then that would mean I was lovable.
So, I knew him because I used to be him.
I saw the ways he yeared and reached for affirmation and emotional regulation outside of himself because those used to be the same places that I looked for validation.
The insecurities that arose in questions and comments…
“Why are you dressed up, is there someone you’re trying to impress?”
“I saw a look between you and so and so that seemed meaningful, is something going on between the two of you?”
“You feel different, what’s going on? Do you still like me?”
“I don’t think anyone here likes me.”
“No one understands me.”
“You don’t understand me.”
But you see, I do understand you because I used to be you.
I used to look outside of myself for validation, and attach it to whether or not someone else decided to choose me.
If you don’t love yourself and feel wholly worthy as you are, this is the evidence.
These are the landmines you’re planting in your relationships.
The doubts, the questioning, the need for validation, and for someone else to be responsible for your emotional regulation.
I know, because I used to plant them and then be surprised when they would erupt in my face.
Your Trusted Friend ❤️
Recently I reflected on what happens when you step outside of your comfort zones to change, grow, and bloom into something new.
The external result of your internal changes may be to make others uncomfortable with the new and unfamiliar version of you.
There will be those that cannot continue on a mutual journey with this new you, as they do not have space for your growth. However, there will also be those that celebrate your evolutions and make space – rejoicing in getting to know each new incantation.
There have been times in my life where I have felt pulled or called to change, grow, and/or do something differently.
One of the ways in which I have grown the most is in my ability to release the urge to people please and to move away from codependent relationships.
For a great deal of my life instead of looking internally to see what would bring me the most peace, I looked to the people around me and evaluated what would cause the most discomfort for them and this is what informed my decisions.
Allowing external factors to influence and impact who I shaped myself to be, versus looking inward at what brought me the most peace, resulted in me losing myself.
I put on the costume of who others expected me to be and strove to please and be loved by others by the things I put on, instead of working towards loving myself and finding what brought me peace and joy.
People pleasing and working to earn the love and approval of others was something that I had to let go of.
Instead, I recognize that I am worthy of love just by being.
Not long ago I found myself in a relationship with a beautiful, but incredibly insecure man.
I felt these insecurities like weights on my being.
The time I was going to work and he asked me why I was dressing as if I was single or when he asked if there was something going on between me and my best friend’s boyfriend because I had touched his arm in the midst of a conversation.
Both situations had me questioning who I was and how I was presenting myself in order to be perceived in such a way by someone that I cared about.
I felt myself leaning towards changing myself in order to make him more comfortable and to not provoke his triggers or insecurities.
As I felt this pull to change and alter myself for another, I recognized that this did not feel natural for me.
There was nothing wrong with the way that I dressed or the way in which I interacted with the significant others of my friends.
Abandoning myself and choosing something outside of myself would only result in misalignment within me, even if it may make someone else happier or more comfortable with me.
The more instances of insecurity that popped up over the course of our relationship the more I felt the danger of abandoning myself for my ex and his comfort, of doing something just to make him happy, the more clear it became that this wasn’t a healthy relationship for either of us.
There was a moment when I recognized that the old version of me would have been perfect for this man, as she would have changed her clothes and avoided her friends in order to ensure that her partner felt loved.
Now I recognize that this isn’t love, it’s self abandonment and – while I could very well have made someone more comfortable for the short term – I would have lost myself in attempting to be the perfect version of myself that I thought he wanted.
If that’s love, it’s not the kind of love that I desire.
I want the kind that invites me to be myself and celebrates in the birth of each new authentic version of me.
A love that is not threatened by any part of me, but is able to admire and appreciate.
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
Opening yourself up to something new can be scary, whatever that ‘new’ might be.
It’s easy to get stuck in comfort and what is known and familiar.
While I do think that there is something valuable in being able to be content in life, I also think that it is equally valuable to grow and expand.
There will be people who are able to make room for your growth, and will celebrate.
On the flip side, there will also be people who will not be able to accommodate.
There have been times when I have played small out of fear of losing those that had an inability to make room for my growth.
So I squashed myself, like squeezing into jeans two sizes to small, I bore the discomfort because it was known and familiar and didn’t cost me anything extra… except my discomfort.
As a woman this has been a burden that I’ve been conditioned to bear, to put the needs and comfort of others ahead of my own.
To be self sacrificing.
As I’ve gotten older and recognized what this has cost me, I’ve had to unlearn this habit and learn – instead -to put myself first and that by doing so it doesn’t make me selfish.
I recently learned of a potential opportunity, a whisper of something new.
It excited me, but my first thought wasn’t on what would be best for me, what would be best for my quality of life, it was on what I’d be leaving behind and what that would mean for those that a would be impacted by my absence.
So, I prepared for a possible shift and imagined myself leaving the comfort that I’d established.
There was a whole life I was able to visualize for myself that I hadn’t even contemplated before and with this vision I prepared to act as soon as the possibility became reality.
In this space I felt myself grow and while the opportunity didn’t materialize, I feel a new found freedom in the fact that I was open to possibility, to change, and to stepping outside of the life that’s become so familiar to me.
Additionally, I embraced the disappointment.
That’s where I am now.
Disappointed and releasing a vision I had for myself, while leaving space for something else to bloom and grow.
Apparently, this round, was just the practice match.
Your Trusted Friend
When you believe something you become it.
Our beliefs are a source of immense power.
Beliefs are our guiding principles of life that provide both direction and meaning.
When we have experiences in life it is our beliefs that function as a filter for our perceptions of the world and provide color, they are our brain’s way of making sense of the world around us, and help us to navigate it.
If your belief is that you are unworthy, then your experience of mental, physical, or verbal abuse is filtered through that lens and is perceived as deserving.
I know, I’ve been there. I’ve believed myself to not be worthy and, as such, ended up in situations in which I was mentally and verbally abused because I perceived that I was deserving of it.
Our beliefs inform us and are, in essence, our command center that determines how we perceive what is happening to and around us. It is how we create meaning.
Beliefs originate from what we hear and keep hearing from others and ourselves.
So when my inner mean girl continually tells me that I am not enough this creates a belief system that taints my perception of my experiences.
Our beliefs, though, are not stagnate and can be changed and altered.
Since our beliefs originate from the stories we tell ourselves we can change our thoughts and thus become open and receptive to other information.
When we change our thoughts, we change our beliefs and behavior.
Our beliefs are truly powerful.
With the power of our mind, we can believe that a placebo is a miracle cure and make it so.
Every cell of our body is perfectly aware of our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
If the power of belief can cure ailments, think of the power it has over what you magnetize and attract?
Think of how you either empower or disempower yourself with your beliefs?
What we perceive, is what we will receive.
I believe this impacts so many aspects of our lives.
There are many irrational beliefs that can take root in our minds that result in self-sabatague.
All my friends are better than me.
I’m not good enough for this relationship.
There is no way I’d get that job.
These types of negative beliefs create a subconscious internal map that is used to navigate life.
A map created by limiting beliefs won’t get you very far, and certainly not where you want to go.
If we want to change this, we must change ourselves and how we think.
A good place to start is with those thoughts that we are repeating to ourselves and replacing them;
The people around me are a direct reflection of my beauty and potential.
I am more than enough for this relationship.
This job would be lucky to have me if it is for my greater good.
Beliefs need to change in order to result in a shift in perception and alter behavior.
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
There are some people who no matter how much sunshine and rainbows you try to rain down upon them, will always see the potential impending doom and plan accordingly.
Perhaps these are the people that would fair best during a zombie apocalypse, for they have already thought through to the direst of outcomes and have stockpiled numerous resources so as not to be caught unawares?
These are people who have already visualized the outcome and are mentally and physically prepared for any eventuality.
See, this is me – looking at the positive of a situation. Looking at the possible benefit of someone being a Negative Nancy, or a Dooom-and-Gloomer.
Shakespeare says in Julius Caesar that; “Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste of death but once.”
This is the true downfall of those that worry about what is to befall them, which is that ‘death’ happens many times.
By worrying about all the things that go wrong you suffer before it’s even necessary to do so, sometimes even bringing on that which you worry about upon yourself.
Like the time I went to an event all by myself, worrying that I wouldn’t connect, feel comfortable, or have the ability to enjoy myself.
I entered the event with this fear, so I felt disconnected, uncomfortable, and didn’t enjoy myself – creating and manifesting the very thing that I was afraid of.
Additionally, I demonstrated a lack of faith, trust, and confidence in myself by perceiving this solo adventure of mine through a negative lens.
I didn’t trust myself to make positive connections, to be able to attract like-minded people to me, to find comfort in the friends and companions that I’d inevitably run into.
It’s been a while since I mingled in a social setting that I arrived at solo. I was out of practice and let doubts and insecurity be the prominent voices in my head.
So, perhaps another element of having the ability to see a situation from a positive lens is having faith, trust, and confidence in yourself and your abilities?
And, also, a growth mindset – because, as humans, we will mess up. We will fall. We will fail.
Just like I did in my solo outing.
Even though I let my sense of disease run me off to retreat back home, I returned home with a really full heart – recognizing that, while I was uncomfortable, I am still loved and celebrated.
I may have felt disconnected – I wasn’t
My discomfiture didn’t make anyone think less of me, matter-of-fact, I was seen and understood without judgment.
Next time I arrive solo at an event I don’t think I’ll be knocked off balance quite so easily.
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
I’ve gotten used to the voice in my head, the mean girl who tells me I’m not good enough.
Not thin enough.
Not smart enough.
Not financially stable enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not feminine enough.
There has been a perpetual bar in my mind that I’ve tried to elevate myself beyond by working hard.
The voice has shown up as tough love to push me beyond my comfort zones.
So, in some ways the inner mean girl has provided motivation and drive to be as good as those around me, those I perceived to be thinner, smarter, financially more stable, prettier, and more feminine than me.
She also had me do squats in the shower because I’d seen the cellulite on my legs as I’d washed.
She had me pulling and tugging on my body to diminish the size of my hips and thighs as I looked in the mirror.
She had me doing extra cardio because I’d not fit into the pants I’d worn regularly just a month ago.
She had me stay in an abusive relationship because when he said I wouldn’t do better than him she said that’s what I deserved.
The inner mean girl that pushed me to earn my master’s degree also had me believing that I was not enough.
As I have become aware of how my inner mean girl has limited and restricted me I’ve made efforts to be an observer of these thoughts and *flick* them away.
I wanted to uproot these thoughts that had become a part of my belief system in determining how I felt about myself.
While this strategy worked for a while, recently she has just gotten louder and more demanding.
So I sat with her and acknowledged her.
I acknowledged how her efforts were her attempt to protect me and keep me safe, but that her voice doesn’t serve me any longer.
That in many ways the inner mean girl hurt and restricted me.
She had me placing limitations around myself, not only on what I deserved but on what felt I was supposed to look like.
It’s time to invite other voices.
Ones that speak to me with love, compassion, and affection.
Ones that echo and reinforce the truth of my enoughness
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
There have been many endings in my life that initially felt cataclysmic.
Not getting into the college I’d dreamed of attending.
Break-ups with lovers that I’d believed would last forever.
Jobs I’d applied for that seemed a perfect fit passed me over.
All things I wrapped my hope and vision of my future around that prematurely ended leaving me devastated and lost.
However, once I got on the other side of these endings and found myself somewhere new I realized that none of these endings were roadblocks, they were detours.
So, now I’ve learned to see endings as new opportunities.
This doesn’t diminish the pain that endings can bring, but it does provide some comfort as I work through the accompanying feelings that tend to come with an unexpected detour toward embracing optimism and curiosity.
Perhaps one path has reached its natural end, but I’ve just been shown that another path awaits me, even if only one step is illuminated before me at a time.
I’m good at planning and dreaming of the route I’d like my life to follow.
Letting go of my attachment to these plans has been vital as I’ve found myself at detours that brought me miracles I was only able to create because of the endings.
Now I can celebrate new beginnings and the possibilities that they bring all because of an unexpected detour.
Your Trusted Friend 🖤