To Control Perception

It hurts when those we care about fail to see us. We cannot, even in our most authentic state, gaurentee that everyone around us will be able to truly see and accept us, and this is painful.

Recently the following words were said to me by someone that I strove to love and support…

*As always you need to be in 100% control of me, and your situations in general.  I imagine had total control not been needed things would have gone much differently between you and me.  At times your overbearing attitude did nothing but drive me away from you.  You are the most amazing person, but one that is rough to be around when you’re not feeling amazing. Nothing but love for you.

* These are the real words of another, but have been edited for errors and sentence clarity

Perception is reality.

Maybe this isn’t what you see when you look at me, but these words reflect this person’s perception of me. This perception is so different from what I was attempting to project and from my own self image that it hurt desperately to read these words.

No, it hurts.

To be seen by someone in such a way that is so counter from the person that I am attempting to be reeks of failure.

No matter how many times I employ the words that someone else’s opinion of me is not my business, I am unable to stem the tide of self doubt as I wonder just what it was that resulted in this perception of me.

The very things that I envisioned as my strengths, were things that someone else was unable to tolerate.

That hurts.

Goal oriented and focused.

Controlling

Personal progression and evolution.

Controlling.

Open honest communication.

Controlling.

Supportive team player.

Controlling.

Friend, words matter so much. This was a reminder to me of just how much words can cut us, but also of how much the perceptions of us can differ – not only from person to person – but also from the image we hold of ourselves.

Every person that I encounter in this world can have an entirely different image of me. This image is informed based on the environment in which they meet and interact with me, as well as their own personal experiences, understanding of the world, values, and insecurities. These things working together create an idea of who they perceive me to be, which can be completely different from the one that I hold of myself.

Completely different from what I am attempting to project to the world.

So, friend, perhaps I am controlling.

As I’ve tried so desperately to control the ideas others form of me in their minds based on the delicately crafted persona that I show to the world. Despite my best efforts to be vulnerable, genuine, authentic, and real – I still care what others think of me, as I want those thoughts to be positive and complementary.

I want to be seen, but I want to be seen in only the most positive of light.

If, and when, someone happens to see the not so pretty bits; the flaws and negative qualities, I want to still be found beautiful and desirable.

I want to be found to be enough.

Even when I try so desperately to be in control of the situations that I find myself in, even when I don’t feel amazing and am difficult to be around, it would be so nice to be looked at, to be seen, and – in spite of it all – chosen.

The perception others hold of me should not matter, but they do.

This one hurt.

However, I have no control over how other’s see me and, in the end, that’s okay.

I’ll lick my wounds, evaluate what lessons I can learn, and move on.

That’s all I can do. That, and have faith that someday someone will see these qualities that this person found repugnant and – instead – find beauty.

Because that’s what I see.

Always,

Your Trusted Friend ❤