Day Twenty-Five: Who or what do you need to forgive, including yourself?
Forgiveness is hard. I feel like I’ve been doing it wrong, so that’s why it’s made its way into “Shadow Seeker.” I know that it is important to release the burden of anger and resentment. It’s not healthy to hold grudges or harbor negative feelings. When we forgive, we can release our grip on those things and take care of our own emotional well-being.
What I think I am learning with forgiveness is how to do so without feeling I am condoning or accepting poor behavior and to feel empowered to create and maintain boundaries regarding forgiveness.
Holding onto my anger, resentment, or bitterness has served as self-protection. These emotions have served as barriers, shielding me from future harm or from making the same mistakes. It’s created an illusion of control, but it’s also prevented me from healing.
Also, I’ve been guilty of having a desire for justice. Not for me to carry it out, but I spent time and energy willing the universe to make the other person suffer consequences for their actions. However, this is an ill use of my time and energy and keeps me trapped in the cycle of negativity.
Forgiveness is essential for our emotional well-being and release from the toxic cycle of negative emotions. It does not mean we condone or excuse harmful actions. It is about releasing our feelings, not absolving the other person of responsibility for their actions.
It also doesn’t mean we must give up our personal boundaries. We can choose to forgive someone for a past action, but that doesn’t mean we have to allow access to our lives or continue to tolerate the same treatment.
Another huge lesson has been that forgiveness is gradual. It’s not something we decide to do and then immediately let go of completely. Working through the emotions that arise from whatever situation requires forgiveness. It may take time to come to terms, which is okay and natural.
Forgiving ourselves is just as important as forgiving others, but it can be more challenging. When we let ourselves down, whether it’s a mistake, failure, or unmet expectation, it’s natural to experience guilt, shame, or self-criticism.
Being able to forgive ourselves means accepting that we are not perfect and recognizing that mistakes are experiences that offer valuable insights and learning opportunities. Instead of dwelling on our shortcomings, we can show compassion and understanding—just like we would to a friend.
After enduring three years in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, I found myself facing the daunting task of forgiving myself. I carried the weight of embarrassment and disappointment as I continually reflected on how I had allowed myself to remain entangled in such a toxic dynamic. How could I have subjected myself to such mistreatment, I wondered, and worse yet, how could I have believed the lies and manipulations of my abuser?
In the aftermath of the relationship, I grappled with a sense of profound shame and self-blame. I berated myself for not recognizing the warning signs sooner, ignoring the red flags that should have signaled danger, and allowing myself to be deceived by someone who claimed to love me. I questioned my judgment, worth, and ability to protect myself from harm.
Forgiveness was not about absolving myself of responsibility or excusing the behavior of my abuser. Rather, it was about releasing the burden of self-blame and reclaiming my sense of agency and self-worth.
I had to forgive myself for the moments of weakness and vulnerability, for the times when I doubted myself and allowed fear to cloud my judgment. I had to forgive myself for the choices I made under duress, for the compromises I made to keep the peace, and for how I silenced my own voice to appease my abuser or avoid another argument.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend 💀
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