The “If Only” Trap

Teaching high school students, I see how quickly they want to grow up. They think that once they leave high school, their parents’ home, and all the rules, that’s when their life will start.

That’s when it’ll all be ‘better.’

Watching this play out year after year, it struck me that high school students eager to graduate are not the only ones suffering from the disease of “if only.”

So many of us fall into the quicksand of “If Only.”

We think if only we had a job that paid better, we’d be happy, we’d be content, we’d find life to be easier, freer, more fun.

If only we were in a relationship. If only we were thinner. If only we owned a home, or a car.

If only we had… If only we were… If only… If only…

And then life passes us by with us stuck waiting for it to happen, to be enough, to finally arrive.

Psychologists call this the “arrival fallacy,” a term that perfectly captures the illusion that achieving a future goal will bring lasting happiness. Tal Ben-Shahar, a positive psychology expert, highlights how this mindset actually distracts us from the joy of the journey.

Because the truth of the matter is that there is no magical place we will reach where everything will perfectly ‘click’.

Not only that, “If only” is a trap because of how quickly we adapt to positive changes, such as a new job, relationship, or weight loss, a phenomenon known as hedonic adaptation or the Hedonic Treadmill.

The happiness boost from achieving an “if only” goal is often short-lived, and we soon return to our baseline level of happiness.

Despite experiencing positive events or acquiring all the accolades, possessions, or positions on our list of goals, happiness levels tend to return to a stable baseline over time.

We see this play out with lottery winners. So many of us may believe that; “if only I won the lottery, my life would be better.”

This isn’t actually what happens, though.

The research shows that at the end of a year, happiness levels return to baseline.

“If Only” doesn’t exist and isn’t meant to be achievable.

Because, just like a shiny new penny, eventually the accomplishments get dull – the novelty worn off – leaving you wanting more.

In this, “If Only” keeps us stuck reaching for more, instead of enjoying the here and now.

However, there is a way free of this very alluring trap – or at least a way to reach a respite.

Living in the present moment, practicing mindfulness, and focusing on intrinsic goals—personal growth, relationships, community—can help us break free from the “if only” mindset.

Studies in mindfulness and positive psychology emphasize the importance of being here and now, showing that this practice can significantly increase our overall life satisfaction. Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s research on Self-Determination Theory reminds us that intrinsic goals, rather than extrinsic ones like money or fame, are more closely associated with long-term happiness and fulfillment.

By practicing gratitude and focusing on the positive aspects of the present, we can counteract the “if only” mindset.

Gratitude fosters an appreciation for what we have now, reducing our fixation on future goals. Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough’s studies highlight how this simple practice can enhance our happiness.

Ultimately, we are the initiators of our lives.

Instead of waiting for some future event to make us happy, we can choose to find joy and fulfillment in the present moment. By recognizing and appreciating what we have now, and by pursuing intrinsic goals, we can break free from the “if only” trap and start living our best lives today…

instead of mistakenly believing, “If only…” is going to bring us any more happiness and satisfaction than what we have right here, right now.

Always,

Your Trusted Friend ❤︎