Tag: fear of intimacy

Author's Note Halley started as a mirror of my best friend, but she evolved into her own person. I think in some ways all three of these women I've written about are pieces of me. Mira represents my consciousness. My felt experience. The parts of me that I am aware of and actively healing. Mira's Story is the part of my identity that I identify with the most. Halley, she is my armor. She is outgoing with a bad picker that she uses to prevent getting hurt. Her 'force' and the 'performance' is the persona she deploys to keep the vulnerable, conscious self safe. And Paige. Paige is my shadow. She is the over analytical part that always needs a 'why' for everything. She's a perfectionist who tries to manage and control feelings by analyzing them. It's only been recently that I've become more aware of this shadow aspect of myself. So, while Halley, here, started as my best friend... she evolved into another part of me. A note on this chapter, "The Run": This is what Halley's armor looks like in action. It's the 'force' and 'performance' at its loudest, most desperate. It's her 'bad picker' pattern not as a flaw, but as a function. After being 'seen' by someone 'steady' (Theo), her entire system registers threat. The 'Halley' armor deploys to protect the vulnerable 'Mira' consciousness. 'The Run' is a pre-emptive strike—a flight away from the terrifying vulnerability of a 'foundation' and a dive into the familiar, 'shiny' chaos of a 'disco ball.' It’s a hollow, neon-lit performance to prove she's still 'free.' This is the part of the story where the armor 'works'… and in doing so, fails her completely.