Patterns. In so many ways the patterns that our lives follow can be helpful.
Living by schedules and routines ensures that things get done, that adulting takes place, and that at the end of the day we’ve added a check mark to all the necessary boxes of the never ending to-do lists.
Other times patterns, routines and schedules can be detrimental.
Sometimes we start to live as if we’re sleepwalking brainless zombies, merely going through the motions, but not really taking part in our lives.
Then there are the patterns, friend, that reveal to us our wounds in need of healing.
There are two examples, friend, that I can think of within my own life.
The first was the wound from childhood that I suffered by constantly being compared to my twin sister that left me feeling lacking.
As a result, into adulthood I found myself repeating this pattern; comparing myself to the people around me – whether it was accomplishment, beauty, ability, or any number of other points of comparison.
I felt perpetually unworthy, never quite feeling enough. Stuck in a perpetual pattern of trying to prove to myself and others that I was good enough.
Once I recognized this pattern, I was able to make strides to rectify this imbalance and see myself as worthy, just as I am, without having to prove myself to anyone.
The second wound I suffered when I was abandoned suddenly and inexplicably by my husband. This wound resulted in destructive dating habits.
I have sat in denial of patterns within my dating life for a long time, as well as my responsibility within the repetition.
The heartbreaks I suffered while trapped in this pattern I have blamed on the men who have passed through my life, a mere casualty of their mistakes and misdeeds.
What I had failed to realize, friend, is that this was just an indicator of yet another pattern that I was stuck in.
In each of these failed relationships I was the only common denominator. I was the one choosing these men who were emotionally, physically, or otherwise unavailable.
This pattern certainly wasn’t conscious. I really did think that in each relationship I was selecting and dating a totally different person, and while in some ways this is true, each man was unavailable to me for a myriad of reasons.
Why was I subconsciously selecting men as partners who were unavailable?
Because, dear friend, this was safe. This was a way of erecting a barrier around my heart and preventing myself from future injury. This was a way in which I was keeping myself at arms length from love, and the potential risks associated with such a risky venture.
Because, friend, ultimately it was my heart that was unavailable.
Yet, these choices consistently resulted in new self inflicted injuries of my heart.
I have consistently been repeating patterns which have prevented me from truly experiencing the love that I long for.
Friend, I tell you this so that you can potentially be aware of patterns in your own life that do not serve you.
Oftentimes we live as I did, believing we are a victim of our circumstances, and not recognizing our own responsibility in the choices we are making, and the patterns that we may be consciously or unconsciously repeating.
We find ourselves repeating patterns, not because they are good for us, but because they are comfortable, familiar, and known.
I was comfortable comparing myself to others and constantly working to prove that I was as good as those who surrounded me.
This feeling of inadequacy was well known to me. It spurred me to do more, to push myself further, to try harder… but in all of the wrong ways…
Particularly when it came to my relationships, which was just another place that I have found myself repeating diservising patterns.
Friend, we deserve more than the repetition of patterns merely because they are safe and comfortable, ignoring where healing needs to take place.
We deserve to grow and evolve, to step outside of the patterns and routines and schedules.
To be uncomfortable as we create something new, as we become something better, as we evolve beyond our patterns and heal that which requires healing.
Your Trusted Friend ❤