Pattern Breaking

When you’re able to truly tap into your own desires, wants, and power it can initially feel uncomfortable, selfish, and can be laden in guilt.

At least, this is how it is feeling for me.

So many of my patterns involve me considering and putting others’ thoughts, feelings, and desires ahead of my own, so often to my own detriment.

My former relationship pattern has been to rescue, help, and to make myself indispensable.

However, I’ve learned through a series of doomed relationships that no one really wants me to do for them what they need to do for themself.

When I’ve stepped into this role of the rescuer I’ve relinquished my power, my voice, and the respect of the other person in relationship with me.

Also, I’ve repeatedly lost myself as I’ve moved further and further away from my own truth in an attempt to appease and please someone else.

Why?

Because so often I’ve felt selfish focusing on myself.

I’ve suffered intense guilt at the idea of disappointing, hurting, or letting someone else down.

For some reason looking at what it is that I really want, deserve, and desire has felt taboo.

It’s been much easier for me to disappoint myself than to disappoint someone else.

To the extent that I’ve distracted myself with the needs of others and found my sense of self-worth in how invaluable I assumed I’d become to someone else.

In recent history, it’s become imperative to do what maintains my own sense of overall wellness.

Dating during a pandemic, apparently, will do that.

I just didn’t have the mental bandwidth or emotional availability to do anything other than put myself first.

To love me first.

Investing in relationships from a space of self-love, self-preservation, and self-interest has been uncomfortable in a lot of ways, but also deeply peaceful and, ultimately, powerful.

Listening to my own inner voice and wisdom for what is best for me instead of trying to guess, supposition, or speculate about what I could do to satisfy, please, or appease someone else has stretched and challenged me in ways I’d not envisioned.

Each of us – friend – needs to make a powerful commitment to care for and listen to ourselves first. This has been something that has required me to consistently release and shed guilt.

We have to believe that our voice matters, instead of shoving it aside in fear of offending or hurting someone else.

For me, this means releasing my urge to ‘please’ or ‘fawn’ in order to stay comfortable and safe – a learned trauma response from a childhood spent avoiding angering or upsetting my dad.

I remember being told growing up when my dad was grumpy or unreasonable due to mood swings caused by shift work, “to just say what he wants to hear” in order to avoid conflict.

This lesson has weaseled its way into my romantic relationships and it’s taken time to recognize it, root it out, and let it go.

My peace is what is important.

If I seek my peace and my truth authentically and compassionately, give this voice, I do what is right and fair for those navigating a relationship with me …

instead of stifling myself for the good of the other.

It doesn’t mean that it’s easy, but it feels so much more worth it.

Always,

Your Trusted Friend 🖤

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