As more and more people embrace the importance of drawing boundaries, a distinct difference is emerging between setting boundaries and exerting control. It’s easy to confuse the two, and honestly, it can be tempting to resort to control as a means of self-protection.
The distinction between boundaries and control is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. Control typically stems from fear and a desire to manipulate outcomes, while boundaries are rooted in self-awareness and self-care. Control seeks to impose restrictions on others, whereas boundaries focus on managing our own responses and safeguarding our well-being.
Drawing boundaries is not about exerting control or limiting others; it is a powerful act of self-care and personal empowerment. It doesn’t involve telling someone how to behave, what to wear, or manipulating outcomes. Rather, it entails recognizing someone’s behavior and making conscious decisions about how we choose to respond.
Boundaries are rooted in our reactions and the consequences we establish for other people’s actions. They provide a means for protecting our emotional, mental, and physical well-being while respecting ourselves and others. On the other hand, control arises from fear and the need for comfort or security.
For instance, consider a situation where you tell your partner, “You can text me while I’m at work, but I won’t respond until the end of the day because I need to focus.” This is an example of setting a boundary. You are not controlling the other person’s actions or dictating when they can text you, but rather expressing your need for uninterrupted concentration and establishing an expectation for response times.
In contrast, control manifests as saying, “You must respond immediately when I text you; otherwise, it means you don’t care about me.” This attempt to control someone else’s behavior is often driven by anxiety and the fear of being ignored.
As Melissa Urban describes, boundaries are “like guard rails that you set around behaviors, communications, or energetic exchanges to improve relationships and maintain your own safety and well-being.” Boundaries are not punitive or controlling; they involve clear and concise expression of your needs.
Another example is during a heated argument or discussion, where you recognize your escalating emotions and the potential to say hurtful things. In this situation, setting a boundary might involve saying, “I need to continue this conversation tomorrow when I’ve had time to cool down and think.” This healthy boundary establishes a time frame for resuming the discussion with a clear intention to approach it with a calmer mindset.
In contrast, choosing to ignore someone and withhold a response as a way to punish or hurt them is an act of control and manipulation. Stonewalling is a surefire way to damage a relationship.
By embracing boundaries and understanding their true purpose, we can foster healthier relationships built on trust, respect, and authentic self-expression. Drawing boundaries allows us to navigate interactions with clarity, ensuring our own well-being while cultivating an environment of mutual understanding and respect.
Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎
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