Joy, After All

Confessions of a Late Bloomer Part 13

I used to think joy was something reserved for special occasions.
A vacation. A celebration. A permission slip.

Or maybe something I had to earn, once the work was done, the bills paid, the responsibilities checked off.

I thought love had to be proven.
That joy had to be justified.
That adulthood meant saying goodbye to the wild, weird girl I used to be.

But now I know. She’s still here.

I’ve come to learn that joy…real, full-bodied, face-scrunching joy…isn’t something I have to earn.
It’s something I remember.
And then choose. Again and again.

Because at my core, beneath the awkward crushes, the heartbreaks, the numb spells, the shame, and the slow returns, I am joy.

Sparkle-brained, laugh-too-loud, dance-badly-on-purpose joy.

I’m tag in the park at midnight, not to drink, not to escape, but to play.
I’m terrible accents while playing pinball.
I’m jumping into a ball pit, because life is absurd and that’s the best part.

I don’t perform. I play.
I don’t escape life. I turn the mundane into magic.

And the more I strip away the expectations, the roles, the timelines, the pressure to do it all right, the more I see her.

I’m the one dancing so badly that people can’t help but join in, mimicking my flailing limbs like it’s choreography.
I’m that moment of communal silliness when no one wants to stop.
When the laughter becomes a full-body exhale, and I remember what being alive is supposed to feel like.

I’m the one lying in the grass, sticky with dew, whispering into the sunrise because I don’t want to disturb the moment.

I’m the reminder, to myself and maybe to others, that joy doesn’t disappear when we become adults.
It just gets buried under all the things we thought we had to sacrifice to be taken seriously.

But I’ve dug it up again.

And now, I protect it.
Not as a reward, but as a birthright.

Because after all the stories, the stumbles, the late starts and long nights, this is the magic I get to return to:

Laughter that erupts without warning.
Play that doesn’t need a reason.
Freedom that doesn’t wait for permission.

Joy, after all.

Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤