I Have Two Crushes and I’m Not Choosing Yet

I have two crushes.

I almost feel like a teenager again. I was a very boy-crazy teen. Well, and of course there has been my adoration of Alyssa Milano.

And now, here I am, 48, with crushes on two men.

Not one man I’m trying to determine whether I like.

Not one potential relationship I’m carefully evaluating.

Two.

And rather than immediately deciding which one is more promising, I’m noticing that I actually enjoy being interested in both.

This has resulted in a rather beautiful question:

What if a crush doesn’t have to be going somewhere to be worth having?

When this is my question, it becomes less about where either connection is headed and more about exploring what I’m learning.

And what I’m learning? Well…

I’m learning that attraction doesn’t need a plan.

I can be attracted to someone without knowing whether one, or the other, or neither will become a significant relationship.

I can also witness how different people awaken different parts of me.

One brings out romantic curiosity, while the other brings out something different. I don’t have to decide which experience is more legitimate.

Instead, I’m learning that being desired feels good.

I’ve been single and alone for so long that this feels like a reawakening. A rediscovery of my own sexuality and flirtatiousness after a long period when those things weren’t necessarily as important to me.

Secretly, I was actually starting to think that those parts of me had gone dormant.

I’m also learning that I can like two people without betraying either of them.

For some reason, old versions of me had this script that said once I was interested in someone, my attention should narrow. I should choose. I should figure out who has “potential.”

But having a crush isn’t commitment.

I haven’t promised exclusivity to anyone.

I’m simply allowing myself to experience attraction, and that has been surprisingly liberating.

Recently, I heard someone talking about dating to learn, to experience, and to have fun, and I realized that is what I’m doing.

Not because I don’t want a relationship. I absolutely do.

But wanting a relationship doesn’t mean that every date, crush, flirtation, or connection has to be evaluated according to its potential to become one.

I can want partnership and enjoy the road there.

I can plant the seed and leave it alone to grow instead of pulling it out every few days to see if it has roots.

So now I get to practice not creating a story.

Just watching what happens.

Instead of:

He didn’t text. What does it mean?

I can think:

Interesting. He didn’t text.

Instead of:

He hasn’t asked me out. He must not like me.

It’s:

I enjoy talking to him. He hasn’t asked me out. Let’s see what he does.

Instead of:

He got busy. He’s losing interest.

It’s:

He got busy after previously initiating. Let’s see what happens when life settles down.

This shift feels profound.

I don’t feel detached.

I feel observant.

I feel like I’m in the experiment.

I have two crushes. I don’t know what either will become. And I don’t have to know whether either will become anything.

I’m okay with that.

Or, I’m learning to be okay with that.

And guess what?

I’d forgotten how fun it is to have crushes.

10/10 would recommend.

Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎