Relationship Minefields

Relationships can be minefields.

As every one of us is a unique individual, it can be difficult to truly understand the people around us. Their views can be so drastically different from our own as to be incomprehensible.

This isn’t necessarily wrong or bad. It’s just that we’re standing and looking a different way, seeing a different perspective based on our unique histories and experiences.

Sometimes, people are further along the path and know what’s coming around the corner when you do not.

I met someone who I instantly felt that I knew.

It was a deep sense of, “Hi, I know you,” and yet we were strangers.

This was a gift, to meet someone and feel that deep connection so effortlessly.

With time, though, I began to recognize why he felt so familiar and known to me.

I knew him because I used to be him.

There were so many ways we could understand one another because some of our darkest trauma and trauma wounds were identical.

We were, however, in different places in our journey toward healing.

You see, much of my trauma had resulted in me becoming a codependent people pleaser.

I felt deeply afraid and unworthy of love, so I would do everything I could to prove my worthiness. To prove how good and great and special and unique I was.

The proving wasn’t only for those I was wooing.

It was for me, too.

I see that now in the rearview mirror. The ways I desperately clung to situations that didn’t serve me because I thought if I could earn the love and approval of someone else, then that would mean I was lovable.

So, I knew him because I used to be him.

I saw the ways he yearned and reached for affirmation and emotional regulation outside of himself because those used to be the same places that I looked for validation.

The insecurities that arose in questions and comments…

“Why are you dressed up? Is there someone you’re trying to impress?”

“I saw a look between you and so-and-so that seemed meaningful. Is something going on between the two of you?”

“You feel different. What’s going on? Do you still like me?”

“I don’t think anyone here likes me.”

“No one understands me.”

“You don’t understand me.”

But you see, I do understand you.

Because I used to be you.

I used to look outside of myself for validation and attach it to whether or not someone else decided to choose me.

I used to believe that if someone chose me, it would finally prove that I was worthy of being chosen.

I used to plant those same landmines in my relationships, then be surprised when they erupted in my face.

I know what it feels like to live that way.

I know what it feels like to be so afraid of losing someone that you slowly lose yourself instead.

And maybe that is why meeting him felt so familiar.

Not because I had found someone who was meant to stay.

But because I had been given the strange and unexpected gift of seeing a version of myself I had already survived.

Sometimes we meet people who show us where we came from.

Sometimes they show us how far we’ve come.

And sometimes, if we are paying attention, they show us the places where we still have work to do.

Always,
Your Trusted Friend ❤️