I’ve gotten used to the voice in my head, the mean girl who tells me I’m not good enough.
Not thin enough.
Not smart enough.
Not financially stable enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not feminine enough.
There has been a perpetual bar in my mind that I’ve tried to elevate myself beyond by working hard.
The voice has shown up as tough love to push me beyond my comfort zones.
So, in some ways the inner mean girl has provided motivation and drive to be as good as those around me, those I perceived to be thinner, smarter, financially more stable, prettier, and more feminine than me.
She also had me do squats in the shower because I’d seen the cellulite on my legs as I’d washed.
She had me pulling and tugging on my body to diminish the size of my hips and thighs as I looked in the mirror.
She had me doing extra cardio because I’d not fit into the pants I’d worn regularly just a month ago.
She had me stay in an abusive relationship because when he said I wouldn’t do better than him she said that’s what I deserved.
The inner mean girl that pushed me to earn my master’s degree also had me believing that I was not enough.
As I have become aware of how my inner mean girl has limited and restricted me I’ve made efforts to be an observer of these thoughts and *flick* them away.
I wanted to uproot these thoughts that had become a part of my belief system in determining how I felt about myself.
While this strategy worked for a while, recently she has just gotten louder and more demanding.
So I sat with her and acknowledged her.
I acknowledged how her efforts were her attempt to protect me and keep me safe, but that her voice doesn’t serve me any longer.
That in many ways the inner mean girl hurt and restricted me.
She had me placing limitations around myself, not only on what I deserved but on what felt I was supposed to look like.
It’s time to invite other voices.
Ones that speak to me with love, compassion, and affection.
Ones that echo and reinforce the truth of my enoughness
Your Trusted Friend ❤︎