The Pull of Self Abandonment

Recently I reflected on what happens when you step outside of your comfort zones to change, grow, and bloom into something new.

The external result of your internal changes may be to make others uncomfortable with the new and unfamiliar version of you.

There will be those that cannot continue on a mutual journey with this new you, as they do not have space for your growth. However, there will also be those that celebrate your evolutions and make space – rejoicing in getting to know each new incantation.

There have been times in my life where I have felt pulled or called to change, grow, and/or do something differently.

One of the ways in which I have grown the most is in my ability to release the urge to people please and to move away from codependent relationships.

For a great deal of my life instead of looking internally to see what would bring me the most peace, I looked to the people around me and evaluated what would cause the most discomfort for them and this is what informed my decisions.

Allowing external factors to influence and impact who I shaped myself to be, versus looking inward at what brought me the most peace, resulted in me losing myself.

I put on the costume of who others expected me to be and strove to please and be loved by others by the things I put on, instead of working towards loving myself and finding what brought me peace and joy.

People pleasing and working to earn the love and approval of others was something that I had to let go of.

Instead, I recognize that I am worthy of love just by being.

Not long ago I found myself in a relationship with a beautiful, but incredibly insecure man.

I felt these insecurities like weights on my being.

The time I was going to work and he asked me why I was dressing as if I was single or when he asked if there was something going on between me and my best friend’s boyfriend because I had touched his arm in the midst of a conversation.

Both situations had me questioning who I was and how I was presenting myself in order to be perceived in such a way by someone that I cared about.

I felt myself leaning towards changing myself in order to make him more comfortable and to not provoke his triggers or insecurities.

As I felt this pull to change and alter myself for another, I recognized that this did not feel natural for me.

There was nothing wrong with the way that I dressed or the way in which I interacted with the significant others of my friends.

Abandoning myself and choosing something outside of myself would only result in misalignment within me, even if it may make someone else happier or more comfortable with me.

The more instances of insecurity that popped up over the course of our relationship the more I felt the danger of abandoning myself for my ex and his comfort, of doing something just to make him happy, the more clear it became that this wasn’t a healthy relationship for either of us.

There was a moment when I recognized that the old version of me would have been perfect for this man, as she would have changed her clothes and avoided her friends in order to ensure that her partner felt loved.

Now I recognize that this isn’t love, it’s self abandonment and – while I could very well have made someone more comfortable for the short term – I would have lost myself in attempting to be the perfect version of myself that I thought he wanted.

If that’s love, it’s not the kind of love that I desire.

I want the kind that invites me to be myself and celebrates in the birth of each new authentic version of me.

A love that is not threatened by any part of me, but is able to admire and appreciate.

Always,

Your Trusted Friend ❤︎