As I've tried so desperately to control the ideas others form of me in their minds based on the delicately crafted persona that I show to the world. Despite my best efforts to be vulnerable, genuine, authentic, and real - I still care what others think of me, as I want those thoughts to be positive and complementary.
When I visualize my heart I see it battered and bruised. The evidence of old wounds. There would be signs, also, of my attempt to protect it; an old broken stone wall forgotten, and a battered shield lying to waste.
Friend, first, it is important for me to explain the apology that, I sincerely believe, is a curse is the unnecessary one. For example, you laugh too loud at a joke that only you seem to get. I’m sorry, you say. You get lost in thought, only to realize that you’re staring at a stranger. I’m sorry, you say. You get ‘too’ excited about something you’re passionate about. I'm sorry, you say. Our days are filled with these unnecessary apologies. The ones that suggest that there is some part of you for which you need to apologize.
If words on the page have the ability to transport us to different places, making us suspend our disbelief, then it stands to reason that words coming from the people around us can have even more of an impact, because they come from people who matter to us.
Friend, I am stumped as to why we, as people, are so insecure and cautious around other human beings. We cradle our hearts and our minds, scared to let anyone too close, know too much, or see too far into us. As soon as we start to open up, our instincts tell us to cringe back — preparing to be struck. Afraid of the rejection we could, potentially, suffer.
Friend, our existence is full of rules - all the shoulds - that never ending list of things that we’re supposed to do, or be, or have. Gradually it begins to make us feel inadequate and lost. As though we’re wading into a pool teaming with razor sharp claws hell-bent on ripping us apart, pulling off all the hopes and dreams, the things seen as insubstantial, thus leaving us feeling small.
Everyone has their own story. The true human experience is full of sorrow, joy, and the boring bits in between. Omit one and you cheat yourself from being made.
Life is a constant journey of self discovery and growth. For this journey to be complete, unfortunately, it cannot be without pain and failure.
Whatever that special ability some girls have to be mysterious and elusive as they engage in conversation with men, I don’t have that. Instead I say men’s names 10 times, laugh too loud, and — probably — ask all the wrong questions.
You asked me today if you mattered, and, to be perfectly honest, I wanted to punch you in your damn face. You asked me if you made a difference, and I felt my body begin to shake. For, of all the things you’ve done, There is one thing that you have clearly won. And that… Continue reading To Matter
